To forget is impossible
by dickensjj
Summary: Ritsu wishes to forget his past, but Takano just won't leave him. And just when all misunderstandings are cleared, Ritsu finally gets what he always "wished" for. Will their love survive this time? Or will one live in misery for the rest of his life?
1. To forget it all would be impossible

**DISCLAIMER: Nakamura Shungiku's not mine  
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><p>"It's disgusting!"<p>

My chest starts to squeeze at the words I've dreaded the most. I didn't know what to do or what to say to him.

"I..." I try to push words out of my mouth, squeezing my arm, trying to keep the tears from flowing.

"I'm sorry."

The next thing after that, I can't remember much of it but I do remember running away, trying to catch my breath at every lap, tears that I can't seem to control anymore just kept on flowing down my face.

Disgusting.

Disgusting.

Disgusting.

Disgusting.

The word just keeps on echoing inside my head. My chest starts to weigh me down and I suddenly realize that I'm still lying on my bed. I open my eyes and with an outmost struggle trying to lift myself up. What a horrible thing to be reminded of. Thinking of it now, I would've found myself disgusting as well. He probably found out I stalked him, that's why there's no way I'm going to believe anything he says now. Somewhere deep in my heart I wish I could really forget, forget everything. If I could change the past, I would skip the time when we first met at the library. Instead of going to school, I would've just stayed home just for that very day. Skip that day when I innocently entered a place where there was neither an exit nor a pathway back.

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><p>I mentally reprimand myself. Because of that dream I didn't notice I woke up so late. I look at my wrist and try to catch my breath while running towards the elevator that's about to close. I instantly dive in the middle and carelessly bump my shoulder on the elevator wall.<p>

Ouch.

Damnit.

What a way to start my day.

"Oy."

I jerk up recognizing the voice.

"You must've had another of those dreams of yours to be this late."

I try to compose myself, while avoiding eye contact. It's was about you. Damn jerk. It's your fault.

"Takano-san, since you're here, aren't you also late?" I say with an apparent annoyance.

"Don't lump me with you, I went to buy coffee." With that said, he drinks his coffee and looks at me as if to make his point further.

We reach our floor and I hastily leave the elevator walking as fast as I can. I see Kisa-san sitting on his desk looking livid.

"Kisa-san, is something the matter?"

He turns his head mechanically to face me. Looking very depressed indeed. "One of the authors I'm in charge of decided to take a vacation to Switzerland."

Oh, no wonder. "Ah, well her work must've piled up some stress. A vacation would do her good."

I must've said something obvious for he looked at me with a "Duh" written on his face. He turned around and fell onto a slump on his desk. "I wish we could have vacations too."

"Ah, now that you guys mention it," says a different voice coming across us, "the chief said something about going to an onsen for the weekend."

"Eh, Hatori-san what are you talking about?" I asked half excited.

"It's a gift from the company. They said we could use some time off."

"What kind of gift is that?" interrupted Kisa-san. "People are supposed to rest on weekends."

I start to think the same thing but it's been a long time since I went to the onsen. "Are we all going?"

"You guys over there!" a voice shouted, "start working or there won't be anyone going to that trip."

"Takano-san, you know about the trip?" I asked.

"Of course, the tickets are with me." He says as a matter of fact.

"Are you going too?" I asked nervously.

"Ha? Is there any reason why I shouldn't?" He replies looking straight at my face.

I turn my head around, not giving any chance for our eyes to meet. I start to focus on my work.

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><p>By the time I finished, I noticed that I was the only one left at the office again. My stomach growled so loud it surprised me. I remember not having eaten lunch yet. I stand up and start to stretch my legs. I've been sitting for way too long. I gather my things, preparing to leave, thinking if I should just buy a bento at the convenience store. I kept walking towards the elevator until I felt a hand suddenly grab me. I quickly turned around from surprise.<p>

"How cold, I waited for you yet you go and leave by yourself," says the man who grabbed me.

"Takano-san, I didn't see you at all," surely if I did I would've pretended not to see him but I'm certain I was alone.

"I was in the restroom." Well, that explains it.

He then grabbed my hand and pulled me into the elevator. My skin felt hot against his. Without thinking, I pulled my hand away and kept it in my pocket. I know from the corner of my eye that he's looking at me with that fixed gaze he always has and as usual I try to avoid it. I can't stand to be near him even for a second. I want to get the hell out of this elevator. Relief dawned upon me once the elevator doors opened. I took a step forward and to my dismay, my stomach growled so loudly that even the ladies from the reception area turned around to look.

I kept walking out heading towards the station. I could still feel the heat rush to my cheeks. This is certainly embarrassing. I heard Takano-san chuckle from behind me.

"When you said you'd work hard I didn't expect you'd go as far as to neglect your meals."

I felt the sarcasm in his tone. "Shut up," I said gritting my teeth, "I didn't notice anything until the time I was done editing."

From the corner of my eye I could see that he was still looking at me.

"Come to my house, I'll cook something for you."

"What? N-no, it's fine," I stutteringly utter. There's no way I'm spending anymore time near him.

I heard him sigh and saw him grab my arm.

"Let's go," he said while forcefully pulling me along with him.

I hesitantly just let him pull me along. Our ride in the station together made me nervous. Why do things like this happen to me? I tell myself I don't want to be near him but can't find the strength to refuse all the way. Thinking about it, why does he keep on treating me this way? Shouldn't I be a memory he'd want to erase? I just don't understand him. After our ride to the station together we headed towards our building. When we reached our floor, I walked faster in hopes of reaching my door so I wouldn't have to go to his. Unfortunately, like all my other attempts of escape he beat me to it. Noticing my intention, he pushed me inside his apartment. I figured I'll just let it slide this time, I was hungry anyways. I patiently waited in his living while he cooked in the kitchen, I could smell the food and it made me even hungrier. From time to time I'd glance at his back. I didn't know he knew how to cook. Thinking about it, there are a lot of things I don't know about him. He was right back then, how could I possibly love someone whom I knew nothing of. I then saw him putting the food on the table. I walked over and looked at all of it.

"Amazing," I utter in a tone of surprise, half drooling. They all look delicious. He hands me a pair of chopsticks and we sit across each other. "Itadakimasu!" I unconsciously gobbled up as much food. I felt hungrier with every bite. I then noticed him staring at me. I paused, "what?" still looking at my food.

"Nothing," he said, "it just feels like I'm feeding a pet."

What? Now he even he sees me as a pet. "Aren't you going to eat too?"

"No, there's something else I plan to eat," and looking at his mouth, I saw the corner curve upward, not having a clue as to what he meant.

"You cooked this much food just for one person," I say nervously, "it'd be great if I ate food like this every day."

Crap. I just blurted out something that might give him the wrong message. I tried to eat faster. The faster I finish the sooner I'll be able to leave.

I saw him scoot closer to the table. "If you lived with me I could cook for you all the time," he said with a surprisingly honest tone. This can't be, he must be joking.

When I finished, I stood up immediately. "Thanks for the meal!" I said and walked towards the door.

When I heard his chair screech, I walked faster. I have a bad feeling about this. Before I could turn the knob of the door I felt his hand grab my arm and turned me towards him. I could see a blatant smirk on his face.

"How rude," he hissed, "here I go out of my way to cook for you and you just leave like that."

I turn my face away and try to compose myself. He's way too close. "I... I thanked you for the food didn't I."

"Too bad I expected something else for a reward."

He then dragged me to his bedroom and pinned down on the bed. "Wait, s-stop," I tried to struggle, "I just ate, I could vomit on you," I said half expecting he'd let me go. For a moment I thought he did for he removed his hands off me. Instead, I saw him remove his shirt and inched closer. He started by kissing my neck completely disregarding what I just said. "Ah, s-stop," I stutter unconvincingly. Trying to resist, I felt his kisses slowly moving up. Gentle, strong, I didn't know which. Then he kissed me on the lips and every nerve inside me lit up. I felt his tongue enter my mouth and I felt like I'd be completely engulfed by him. He started to unzip my pants and his hands slowly moved inside. I felt my whole body tingle at his touch.

"Takano-san, s-stop!" I attempted for the last time. But he started to stroke my member and I knew I couldn't resist him anymore.

"A-ah," I felt my body shudder at every stroke he gave.

"Ritsu," he said in a low coarse voice. I felt my cheeks burning and tried to hide my face. He noticed and pushed my hand away. "Look at me, Ritsu." He grabbed my face and turned it towards his. I stared into his eyes and felt all my senses disappear. He started to put his finger into my hole, followed by another finger. I felt his fingers roam inside me. I trembled with pleasure, felt my insides burn.

"Ahh," I breathe. My body wants more.

He must've sensed this for he removed his fingers and unzipped his pants. I didn't know what I was feeling anymore. The next thing I know, I felt his member inside me. It hurt as it entered but once he started to move, the pleasure I felt, I can't explain. He kept thrusting, slowly but harder each time.

"Ritsu," he leaned in and whispered on my ear. I didn't try to resist anymore. I heard us panting but didn't know whose was louder. At times like this, all I can think of is how great it would be if being with him was this easy. I wouldn't have to think or analyze everything or worry at the words I'd have to say. We could just melt into each other's bodies without any care for the world. Somewhere inside me, I really wished we could just trap ourselves in a world where only the two of us lived. But this is reality, what he did to me, I'd never forget. I'm not that innocent 17-year-old boy anymore. I know better. Once I wake up, I have to act as if nothing of this matter at all.

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><p><strong>AN**: I don't have an editor and it's like past 12am so I'm really too tired to edit myself. If you see any spelling mistakes, present tence made into past bla bla do tell me. I wont be offended. On the contrary, it'd make my editing easier. Well, hope you guys like it. I have a whole plan for this so I hope you stick with me!


	2. Who's Ryouchi?

**DISCLAIMER: Nakamura S. You know the deal**

**WARNING: OC**

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><p>I woke up half naked with a fully naked man beside me. I suddenly remember what happened last night and mentally depress myself. He's always having his way around me. When will it stop? I look at his sleeping face next to mine. This sure brings back a memory from ten years ago. Back then, I remember being so captivated I couldn't help but stand there and stare. I wonder what the person I was then would do in this kind of situation right now. My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a loud ring. The man beside me awoke and sluggishly raised himself up.<p>

"Who the hell's calling so early in the morning?" he said in an irritated voice.

I looked at the time and notice it was half past noon. "It's not morning anymore just so you know."

The phone still kept on ringing.

He looked at me with that usual expression that I don't understand. "Aren't you going to answer that?"

My brow creased. "Eh?" I turned around and looked towards where the sound was coming from. I noticed it was the cellphone in my pants' pocket that was ringing. I immediately snatched my pants from the ground and answered the phone.

"_Ritsu! Oy!"_ said the voice from the phone. I seem to recognize it. I looked at the caller ID and saw the name Ryouchiiro Onodera.

"Ryouchi?" I said unsure.

"_You live at Building xxxx apt. xxx, right?"_

"What? Yeah, how do you know?"

"_I asked uncle. Anyway, I'm outside of your house right now! Open the door! I've been ringing the doorbell for hours." _

"Ha? Why are you outside my house?" After I asked I noticed Takano-san watching me. I thought he went back to sleep. I glanced at him and saw that he had that straight face which could probably mean he couldn't care less about my conversation but wanted some peace and quiet for him to get back to sleep. At this, I stood up. But when I was about to walk away, I felt him grab my arm and pushed me back to the bed. He took the phone and hanged it up.

"Hey! I was talking to somebody!"

He seemed to not have heard me for he threw the phone away. "Who's Ryouchi?"

What? Why would he want to know? "He's my cousin. Well, step-cousin. Anyway, get off me I have to go he's waiting outside."

With all the strength and effort I could summon I pushed him away, put my pants on and sprang outside. I saw Ryouchi impatiently waiting in front of my apartment door. When he saw me he had this perplexed looked. I guessed he must've been thinking "Why are you in someone else's house?" I saw him look behind me and I involuntarily did the same. I saw Takano-san standing behind me looking quite languid. Shit. What a bad day. Ryouchi looked from him to me, back and forth.

"Ah, Ritsu, perhaps," he started, "is he your lover?" pointing at Takano-san.

Quite frantic at my cousin's frankness I defensively reacted. "Ha? N-no... he's my, ah" trying to think of the best way to describe Takano-san, "m-my boss."

Ryouchi raised both his eyebrows as if implying he was sure of what he thought. "No, I'm su-"

"Oy Onodera, we still got work to go to," Takano-san suddenly interrupted. I knew he was there but I didn't know he stuck around.

I rummaged through my pockets, looked back at Ryouchi and handed him my house keys. "Here, go inside and wait for me there. I'll try to come home early."

"Eh, what about you? You're not coming in?"

"He's coming with me. We're going straight to work." I looked at Takano-san with a face that implied I didn't need him to answer for me.

Ryouchi chuckled and said, "well, can't be helped," he looked at the both of us, "guess it's true".

I didn't have time to analyze Ryouchi's remark. We were already late for work.

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><p>I hurried home as fast as I can. Ryouchi suddenly coming to visit me, either he was sent by my parents or- no, it must be that. As I walked up the hill towards my building my hips started to ache. I remembered last night. I started to feel the blood rush through my cheeks. I thought about this morning instead. That's right, things had gotten awkward after that and I tried to avoid Takano-san as much as possible. On our way to work he didn't ask anything so I figure he doesn't care. I was the first one to leave the office, earlier than the usual, so I bet there'll be twice as much work for me next week.<p>

When I opened the door to my apartment, I saw Ryouchi cooking. He noticed and greeted me.

"Yo Ritsu, I didn't expect for you to hurry home," he said mockingly.

"Why are you here?"

"Oh, you must know why," he said with a playful tone while resuming his cooking.

"Did my parents send you or-"

"Or?" he interrupted.

I looked at him with impatience. He chuckled. "Bing-go!" He turned the gas off and walked towards me.

"What did An-chan say?"

"Ha! So you do know," he said sarcastically.

"What are you talking about?"

By that time, he was already close enough that I could see his angry face. "You're still as insensitive as ever!" he shouted. "She came all the way from France to visit you, waited for hours outside the cold and you didn't even have the decency to invite her in?"

I looked at him straight in the face. "Would you have wanted me to do that?"

He glared at me and I regretted my words. I shouldn't state the obvious just because I can't think of a decent excuse. "I'm sorry," I apologized and his expression calmed down a bit.

He gave a heavy sigh and started putting the food on the table. I could sense that I still wasn't forgiven so I started up by asking, "What did she say?"

He spared me a glance but sat right away. He motioned me to sit in front of him so we could eat. "Itadakimasu," we both said at once.

"She said you were holding hands with a man but let go of his hand once you saw her."

I gulped. I had no idea she noticed. "S-she must've seen it wrong," I stuttered while trying to deny it.

"Save your excuses Ritsu. Your first love was a guy so why couldn't your other lovers be one." He said nonchalantly.

That's right, they know. When I was young I had no friends but Ryouchi and An. Evidently, I had no one to confide in or talk about my anxieties but to them. After I rejected An-chan, she asked me who it was that I was in love with. I didn't know how to lie so I was hesitant and told her she didn't need to know. The next day Ryouchi came to me and told me that the least I could do was tell her. An-chan thought that what I said was just an excuse to reject her nicely. Thinking then, the least that I wanted was to hurt people so I told them I was in love with a guy. Ryouchi reacted indifferently but An-chan just smiled and told me she was glad that there really was someone I was in love with.

"Ryouchi," I started, "back then when you found out I was in love with a guy what did you think?"

He looked at me and shrugged, "I thought what that guy could possibily have that An-chan doesnt." Then he laughed thinking the irony in his words.

"Even if I didn't have someone that I loved that time, I still wouldn't. I only see her-"

"As a sister, I know. But it doesn't change the fact that she fell in love with you."

I was about to retaliate when I heard the doorbell ring. I stood up and went to answer it.

"Yes?"

"_It's me." _Of course, I recognized the voice right away.

"What are you doing here?"

"_I have something to give you. Let me in."_

I opened the door but didn't let him in. "What is it?"

"Aren't you going to let me in?"

I heard footsteps approaching, "who's that?" came in Ryouchi. "Oh! It's your lover!" He opened the door wider and let Takano-san in. I was thinking between the words "my home" but I dismissed it thinking I was too tired to argue.

"Hello! Nice to meet you! My name's Ryouchiiro Onodera," he introduced himself. "I'm this guy's cousin. Well, step."

I swear, if my personality turned a 180 degrees during those ten years, this guy's personality turns into a complete 360 whenever he wishes. He's like that with people he doesn't trust. He doesn't show his true self at first. He believes to get along with strangers you must pretend to be the kind of person they wish to meet. Takano-san didn't respond at all.

Takano-san just looked at me while Ryouchi continued to smile. "Ryouchi, this is Takano-san, m-my boss," not that I had to mention that twice. I looked at Takano-san, "this is Ryouchi my cousin, well step."

"I heard what he said."

"Oh!" Ryouchi leaped. "Do I sense some tension here? Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not into _that_. I'm really just a cousin even though not by blood."

Takano-san looked at me still not trusting Ryouchi's words. I gave a heavy sigh. "It's true. We grew up together. My uncle's been his step-dad since he was little so he is family."

At this, Takano-san's expression eased a little even though I could see he still kept his guard up. "I came here to tell you about the onsen trip tomorrow. Wait for me here in the morning. We'll go together."

"Ha?" I forgot that tomorrow's the weekend. "Why do we have to go together?" I seriously do not want to be alone with him.

"I have the tickets and the others will go by commute. I'm going to drive so it'll be convenient."

"Eh Ritsu, I don't see why you can't just go with him. Aren't you lovers?" Ryouchi asked sheepishly.

"I t-told y-you we're no-"

"That's right," I was suddenly interrupted by Takano-san.

At this, Ryouchi threw his hands up and sighed. "Ah, I give up, you really don't have to be so tense around me." He walked towards the kitchen and opened the fridge.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Grabbing some beer, let's have a drink!"

"What? No, Takano-san's driving tomorrow."

"It'll be fine. I'm sure he can hold his liquor. Am I right?" He returned holding a few bottles of beers.

Takano-san didn't respond. Ryouchi noticed and said, "well suit yourselves" and shrugged. He then sat down on the couch while Takano-san and I were still standing. Again, I thought "my house". Ryouchi sipped his beer and said, "I really thought Ritsu was never going to date a guy again."

Takano-san looked at him. "What do you mean?" he asked.

Eh, now he's intrigued. "Ha ha ha!" I said in panic. "Ryouchi, shouldn't you go home by now?"

Ryouchi looked at me. "Ah, I'll sleep here tonight if you don't mind. I probably missed the last train."

"Ha?" both Takano-san and I said in surprised.

Ryouchi laughed. "Relax, you go sleep at his house then since it's just right next door."

"I like that idea," said Takano-san in a flat tone. He then grabbed me on the arm and started to pull me along.

"H-hey, w-wait! I didn't agree!"

"You don't have a choice. You're staying with me tonight."

Again, I was too tired to argue. I looked at Ryouchi and he just waved me a goodbye. I thought what if I told Ryouchi that Takano-san was_ my first love_, would he help me out? No. I quickly dismissed the thought. Knowing Ryouchi, if he found out who Takano-san was he'd probably create chaos. Perhaps it's best if he remains uninformed. Despite how Ryouchi treats people, I know he actually cares. He was the one who suggested that we'd go and study abroad. For a long time now, he hasn't mentioned anything about that incident. He really believed I was over it. So for now, I'll just let this go. I'll just sleep on this. Tomorrow, it'll be just like any other day.

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><p><strong>AN:** At first I wanted Ryouchi to get along right away w/Takano and write a convo of them talking about how Ritsu was so cute and innocent back then and make fun of him. But I thought that Takano wouldn't want that. Anyway, this was supposed to go on but I'm too sleepy so continuation of this and onsen trip for the next chapter!


	3. Always been in love with you

**DISCLAIMER: Belongs to the genius Nakamura S.**

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><p>Once we entered Takano-san's apartment he dragged me towards the living room and shoved me on the couch. Feeling a little bump on my back, I flinched a little and tried to adjust myself. I looked at him about to protest. "What the h-"<p>

"I don't like him." He interrupted right away.

I look at his distraught state and remained silent for a while, waiting for my heart to slow down. "What are you talking about?"

He looked at me straight in the face. I felt as if I could almost read him, like a selfish little kid who suddenly found out he had to share. I dismiss the thought, thinking I'm getting ahead of myself.

"I'm saying I don't want to see you hanging around him," he said forcibly.

Ha? What is he talking about? "He's my cousin."

"You two are too close. You were even in a rush at the office just so you could come home to him."

What? That's it? He got that idea from such a trivial thing? "Look, I don't know what you're thinking but Ryouchi and I are just cousins. We grew up together and he's very important to me. " I said all this in a rush, my heart was once again beating too fast and rebelling against me. My thoughts started to wander to past incidents. I started to remember more about Ryouchi. I thought to myself that if it wasn't for Ryouchi I wouldn't have known how to cope with what happened ten years ago. I glanced at Takano-san and saw him sit beside me.

"I never knew you had cousin." For a brief moment I thought I saw the corner of his lips curve upward. "I really don't know anything about you other than that fiancé of yours." He said with a dismal tone.

I looked at him from the corner of my eye. There's not really anything there is to know about me. On the contrary, it's me who knows nothing about Takano-san. And about having a fiancé, "If you're talking about An-chan, I told her already that I rejected the engagement."

"Rejecting the engagement doesn't change the fact that you were engaged even when you told me you loved me. "

I suddenly felt uneasy and started to shift my body. Why does he have to bring up that kind of topic now? Back then I didn't even take the engagement seriously since I rejected it. I thought there wasn't any need to tell him. But, speaking of that now, I wonder how Takano-san knew about it. "Ah, m-may I ask," I started, "I don't think I ever told you I was engaged. How would you kn-"

"It was during University," I saw him pause and looked up in a reminiscent gaze, "I was walking around inattentively when I bumped on someone. I recognized the guy as one of your classmates who you would occasionally hang out with." He shut his eyes briefly, inhaled, exhaled and opened it once again. "Without thinking, I immediately asked where you were. I didn't expect the words to come out of his mouth to be the end of me." His tone was rising a little. "All it took for him to say was, 'Ah! You mean, Ritsu-chan? I heard he went abroad.' And I felt like all my hopes of ever seeing you again were shattered. I fell apart."

Takano-san glanced at me. "After you disappeared, I looked for you every day. I stayed and waited for you at the library, only leaving when it would close hoping you'd appear in front of me again."

I looked at Takano-san half disbelieving his words. For some reason, I could feel the honesty in them. I felt a mixture of emotions, could feel the blood rush through my face and I couldn't think properly anymore. Everything ceased to make sense. I just sat there and listened.

He resumed staring blankly in front of him, "A couple of weeks later, he and I saw each other again and I asked him if he knew why you left. He told me he had no idea, in fact he only found out you went abroad through his parents. And that's when your engagement was brought up."

"Eh, wh-what do you mean?"

"He said, 'ah that's right, speaking of Ritsu, wasn't he engaged during high school?" He was recounting all this in monotone. "I thought I heard it wrong," he continued and I listened, "and I kept repeating every word. From then on, I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I couldn't even take care of myself. I kept asking myself, 'was he just playing with me? Was he merely joking?' But despite that I could've sworn you really loved me. I wouldn't have fallen in love with you if I didn't feel how much you loved me."

It remained silent for a while. It took me some time before all the words could sink in. I didn't know what to say. "Wha-," I tried to force the words out of my mouth, "Wh-what are you saying, that can't be. Back then, even if I was only a kid I sincerely meant it when I confessed to you."

He shifted closer to me and with a grimace said, "then, why did you just roundhouse kicked me and disappeared?"

"Ha?" How frustrating, I started to crease my brows. He's talking about that kick I can't seem to remember again. I honestly don't know if I did something of the sort. I don't think I would have even been capable of doing such a thing. "I really don't remember kicking you. And didn't I already say that was your entire fault?" I said a little louder.

"And didn't I already explain that I must've laughed to hide my embarrassment?" his tone rising as well.

"You didn't have to laugh! Of course I'd misunderstand. I thought then, that for you, it must've been just plain curiosity or something to have gotten you out of boredom," I started to say whatever came into my head letting my emotions get the better of me, "I came home feeling like I wanted to die. When you made love to me, I thought the person I loved for three years actually loved me back. Truthfully, I didn't even expect you to return my feelings. Admiring and loving you from afar was enough. I told myself it was enough. Then when I realized that I was just lead on, I-" I paused for I couldn't clearly describe what I felt that time. "Forgetting all of it was the easiest way." I said to myself.

"You're truly an idiot." He retorted.

"Wh-what?" I asked now irritably.

"I made love to you didn't I? I wouldn't have wanted to hold you if I wasn't in love with you."

I felt my blood rush to my cheeks at what he said. But, suddenly, Yokozawa-san's face popped in my mind. I murmured. "So you were in love with Yokozawa-san too."

"Ha?" he yelled. "Are you listening to what I'm saying? I said 'you' not Yokozawa or anybody else. Yokozawa and I might have slept together but that honestly didn't mean anything to me. I couldn't forget you no matter what I did or who I did it with."

I felt a squeeze in my chest. Why is this happening now? Why is he saying all of this? Does he expect me to believe that after all these years? "I-I still won't believe you." If I do and get caught up with this again and he was to leave me, I don't think I'll recover.

"I love you." He said with all the seriousness. "I've always have. Did you know, that day in my room, when you were sitting beside me, I felt so nervous," he chuckled briefly, "I thought this must be what it feels like to love someone. When you suddenly rushed out after we did it, I thought you were probably too embarrassed and reacted impulsively. I was looking forward to seeing you the next day."

This time, I turned around to look at him. My embarrassment was no longer a barrier. "Takano-san," I said softly, just gazing at him. I didn't know what the right thing to say was anymore. I should just be honest with myself and accept that it was all my misunderstanding. Deep inside, isn't this what I've always hoped for? Despite having told myself that admiring him was enough, deep down I knew I wanted him to notice me. That's why when I thought he wasn't serious, I felt like my heart stopped and disappeared. I wanted to be immune to the pain so I tried to forget.

I flinched when my thoughts were suddenly interrupted. Takano-san grabbed my face with his hand and softly caressed it.

"Ritsu," really, just hearing him say my name alerts every nerve in my body. "When I saw you again, something stirred inside me. I thought how much you resembled him but your personalities and your surnames were different."

I thought of asking what he thought my surname was but decided to just keep listening.

"But when you said how you use to read all the books in the library, I knew it was you. I couldn't even bother with the change in your. All I could think about was after all these years, you were finally this close to me".

I turned my face away trying to avert his gaze. This is bad. If he says things like that I really won't know how to react. I could feel my face burning, he definitely can see my feelings through my face.

"Ritsu," once again, he calls my name, I squeezed my hands, "stay with me tonight. I want to embrace you until morning."

"Wh-what are you saying," I said terribly embarrassed now. "You need to sleep or you won't have the energy to drive tomorrow."

"You expect me to do nothing when you're right beside me?"

Ah, give me a break. I put my hands up defensively. When Takano-san says he'll do something he'll definitely do it. "If you d-don't do anything today," I attempted, "you can do anything t-tomorrow."

He seemed to be thinking it through for he paused and just stared at me. "Fine," he finally said. "But at least let me kiss you and carry you to bed."

"Ha?" I yelled disbelievingly. How far will this person go to embarrass me? "N-no way. Takano-san what are you thinking, I'm not a wo-"

He interrupted me with a gentle kiss. His hand held the back of my head. He then kissed my forehead and I saw his lips curve upward in front of me. I stiffened for I didn't know what to expect anymore. He pulled me close, the side of my face against his chest. I couldn't summon the strength I had left to push him away. I could hear his heart pound so loud. It seemed to me that we continued like that for a long time. To be love like this by him was probably what I've always wanted. I lost the quarrel to myself. There really isn't a way out of this. And there probably never was. I should've known that when I fell in love with him irrevocably.

* * *

><p>"You should've waked me up then!" I yelled at the man driving beside me.<p>

He smirked and said, "you looked so cute that it would've been a waste to wake you up."

"Ha?" I raised a brow. I really don't know what goes through that head of his. "Quit talking nonsense and just drive faster."

I can't believe we overslept. We were supposed to wake up early enough to enjoy a whole afternoon. But being late as it is, by the time we arrive there we'll probably only get to spend two hours. And here I was really looking forward for a vacation. I haven't had time to relax since I got into this monstrous business.

"By the way, did you call the others to tell them we were going to be late?"

"What others?"

What does he mean, 'what others'? "Kisa-san and the rest," I said as a matter-of-fact.

"Oh, they're not coming."

"What? What do you mean they're not coming? Why?"

"I don't know," he said without a care in the world, "I didn't ask. The three of them told me yesterday that we should just go ourselves."

Somehow I find that odd. I know Kisa-san was looking forward for this vacation. "Ehhhh?" I screamed, just realizing. "You mean it'll be just the two of us?"

He glanced at me and looked back at the road. "Is there a problem with that?"

"N-no," I said, somehow feeling embarrassed at my apparent discomfort. I rested my chin on my hand. Takano-san opened the car windows. He must've sensed that I wanted some air. I still feel awkward from yesterday, a nice breeze would help. I thought about what would happen from now on. Even if it was all because of my misunderstanding, it doesn't erase the pain we both went through. And it doesn't change how I lived my life for all these years. I can't just brush it all off and give myself to him. The thought would be unbearable. I stared outside, the world stopped but I was moving.

By the time we arrived at the onsen, the sun was already setting. I thought we must have about two hours to relax ourselves. We were led in a room with about five futons. I guess we were all supposed to stay in the same room. I hurried up and grabbed some towel. I looked at Takano-san, "I'm going to bath now. I should make the most of the two hours we have here."

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"Huh? Aren't we suppose to check out in two hours?"

He raised a brow, "where did you get that idea from? We're spending the night here."

"What?" I looked at Takano-san utterly confused. "B-but I saw the ticket and it said it was just an afternoon trip."

"Ah, that's right. When you left Isaka-san gave us another set of tickets. The one you saw was a different set for a different department. It got mixed up."

"Ehh?" Wait, doesn't that mean I'm spending the night here with him? I squeezed my pockets, starting to get nervous. I'm not at all prepared for what might happen. "I-In that c-case, I'll just take a bath now." I started to head out of the room when Takano-san stopped me by grabbing my hand.

"Are you trying to get away from me?"

"I-I'm not."

"You are. There's no need for you to use the public bath. We have one outside of this room."

"We're in an onsen, we're suppose to use the public baths."

"Just use the one here."

"Wh-what? Why?"

At this, he tightened his grip on my hand. "I don't want other people to see your body."

I felt as if the warmth of his hand spread through my entire body. I was going to retaliate but I'd only be lying to myself if I said I wasn't happy hearing something like that from him. So I just stood there and said, "fine, but I'm still going to bath now." I tried to free my hand but didn't have the courage to do it whole-heartedly. Instead it looked as if I swayed his hand inviting him to come with me. I looked at him, preparing myself for his reaction. "Takano-san," I started for he just stood there staring at me. I then his lips curve upward, forming a smile.

"So you really meant what you said last night." He said, still smiling. He pulled me towards him and carried me towards outside.

"Wha-What are you doing?" I asked frantically. "Put me down!"

"No."

I started to feel splashes of hot water on my feet. He put me down on the bath, we still had our clothes on but both our bodies were already soaked. "Takano-san, wait!" My heart was pounding uncontrollably.

"You said I could do whatever I wanted."

I remembered saying that. I'd be a fool if I said I was hoping he'd forget about it. He started to kiss and undress me at the same time. His kiss was nothing like I felt before. This time it was deep enough that I feel like he could swallow me whole. I could feel his tongue roam vigorously inside my mouth. "I can't breathe." I said, trying to gasp for air. Needless to say, he ignored me and continued to kiss me without lessening the force. I then felt his hands between my thighs.

"St-op," I attempted. But he started to stroke my member and I felt my whole body tingle.

"Ahh," I moaned involuntarily. "D-don't do that." I tried to protest but when I looked at Takano-san, any strength I had left vanished.

"Ritsu," he whispered into my ear, "I want to make up for all the years I could've held you in my arms. I want to make love to you every day."

With that said, he thrust his erection inside me. I could feel his heat. My insides felt like they were about to burst at every move he made. He kissed me again, still as deep as before.

"A-ah, Takano-san, slower..."

I felt his breath at the nape of my neck.

"Ritsu," he gasped for air, "always..." he kept thrusting, "always been in love you."

I lost what little I had of my senses left. All I could do was just cling tightly on to him. What would happen from now on didn't matter to me anymore. Right now, as he holds me so dearly and close, I tell myself I just want to treasure this moment. Regardless of what may have happened in the past, I want right now to be a memory I wouldn't regret.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** so there you have it! Misunderstanding, clear. Expect a lovey dovey Takano and Ritsu from now on! ... right I'd probably get sued for major ooc *laughs* . Thanks for those who reviewed! I hope you enjoy this chapter.


	4. Okaasan?

**Disclaimer: Nakamura S.**

* * *

><p>What am I doing? I toss around and look at the man sleeping beside me. I've been letting Takano-san drag me along his pace. I turned and stared at the ceiling for a while. I should know better that if I keep giving bits of pieces of myself, I'll slowly forget why I even put up a barrier in the first place. I know that if I give myself to him entirely, he'll be able to manipulate my very being. My world would start to revolve around him again. I heaved a long sigh in an attempt to release the weight I seem to have inside my chest. For Takano-san to say he loves me so easily there's no guarantee he'd still love me tomorrow, the day after that, or days from now.<p>

Who's to say he won't wake up one morning and realize he no longer feels the same?

AHHHHHHHHH! I scream to myself while banging my head against the pillow. The more I think about it the more depressed I get. I'm a grown adult for goodness sakes. But we all know it's inevitable for change to not happen. And once it does I'll definitely be the one left behind.

I chuckled at the irony. Why is it that when it comes to work as long as I do my best I can step forward. But it's not as easy when it comes to matters in my personal life. It's scarier.

I planned on going back to sleep but felt the body beside me shift. "Takano-san..." I said as soon as I realized he was awake.

He looked at me and to my utmost surprise, smiled. "Morning," he said.

"U..um," Shit. Did my heart just 'skip a beat?' Ugh! Get a grip Ritsu! I then made an effort to clear my voice. "Morning..." I didn't dare to smile back. That would be so embarrassing. Really, what's this guy up to now? I thought irritably.

He inched closer and cupped my face with his hand. "I want to wake up beside you just like this everday".

"Ehhh?" AHHHHHH! How cheesy! I'm mentally banging my head against a wall. "What are you saying so suddenly..."

"Onodera, I want you to live with me."

I remained silently for a brief moment for it took me a minute to digest it in. "Ha?"

"You'll still live in the same place. There's really no difference." He said matter-of-factly.

"Haaa? Of course there will be! Why should I have to l-live with you?"

At this being said, I saw him rise himself up positioning himself above me. "I don't see why not. You're my lover and as my lover you should live with me."

Woah. Hold up! "L-L-Lover?" I stuttered. He's not making any sense at all. "Who's your lover?"

He gave me an aghast look as if I had said something he couldn't understand. Both his brows were furrowed but immediately reverted back to his usual stoic face. He leaned closer, "Didn't we already clear things between us? And you even let me do whatever I wanted last night. Shouldn't I take that as a sign that you finally accepted that you're in love with me too?"

"Wh-what-" I attempted.

But he just went on. "And when two people are in love with each other, doesn't that make them lovers?"

"In love..." with him? No, I didn't admit that yet. And as long as I haven't admitted anything, nothing counts. "I already told you. I'll never fall in love with you again."

"How stubborn." His tone changed. Before I had the chance to see his expression, my lips were suddenly pressed against his.

I tried to push him away, "Takano-san, stop..."

He ignored my protest as usual and started to kiss me even deeper. I felt his tongue roam inside my mouth. He paused, gasped for air and kissed me a second time. Like every of his other kisses, I felt like my lips were being sucked away, making it hard for me to breath. I felt myself being swayed again, losing my senses with the warmth of his lips. "Ah," I tried to gasp for air. "Ha, ha" both of us slowly breathing. He kissed me again. This time-

_-Knock knock-_

He stopped and I flinched for I suddenly heard a knock on the door. We both stared at the door for a while until we heard another knock. I managed to push Takano-san away and put a yukata on. I opened the door, "who is it?" I saw a woman wearing a yukata. I recognize her as one of the inn-keepers.

"Ah, ohayou." I bowed.

"Ohayou gozaimasu," she bowed back. "Sorry for the interruption but I'm here to inform you that you're check-out is in an hour."

"Eh, is that so? Thank you for informing us," I said politely and closed the door.

* * *

><p>On the way home I kept thinking what I was supposed to do from now on. Did Takano-san expect a relationship from me after last night? That's right, given the situation it's normal to jump to such conclusions. And maybe I should just readily accept him and try dating.<p>

Pffft! I laughed inwardly. I replayed my thoughts and wounded up laughing even more.

"What are you laughing at?" he said.

Laughing harder each time, squeezing my chest in the process the more I laughed at myself. I ignored and kept laughing so much that I didn't even notice my eyes water. I continued to laugh, which by now sounded fake even to my ears. I turned my face to the window in order to cover up such a mess. There's no way I'm letting this man see as much as a tear in my face.

"Onodera..." he started for who wouldn't notice such a fit when the person's right beside you.

"Stop the car," I said with a tone bitter enough to hide the crack in my voice. He slowed the car down and parked just after a corner in the street. I eagerly opened the door and lashed out from the car. My eyes immediately spotted a convenience store and summoned whatever strength I had left to walk inside. I heard Takano-san follow behind me.

"Onodera, what are you doing?"

"I got hungry, hungry," I said calmly, after having been able to compose myself. "I don't think I have food left at home so I'm buying some now."

"And you decide to buy food at a convenience store?" I sensed the mockery and was about to argue back but he went on after a brief pause, "I told you... You should just li-"

"There's no way!" my tone started to rise. "There's no way that's happening."

I thought he would drop it at that for he didn't say anything. But I felt his hand grab my arm and the next thing I knew, I was being dragged outside. He dragged me to a corner just around the street near where the car was parked.

"I'm not about to force you to live with me if you really don't want to," he started, "but the least you could do after blatantly rejecting my offer is to give me a reason."

Reason? He wants a reason? Isn't making such an idiot out of me reason enough? Living with him would be accepting this relationship. There's no way... there's no way I can take such a step. I know I'll just end up regretting this like before. The love I feel for Takano-san now is different. It's not the same naive love that came from an innocent boy. It's the kind of love that's covered with fear and anxiety. It's the kind of love that would destroy me the more it would grow.

"I can't," I finally managed to say, "I can't".

"That's not a reason."

"I don't have a reason! I just don't want to live with you!"

"That's why I need to know why!" this time it was his voice that was rising, "You love me don't you? Isn't it normal to want to spend every moment with the person you love?" He said it with such an exclaim that I was taken aback.

"I d-don't," I tried to say, "I never said that I love you."

"I don't understand why you won't just accept it. I could say to take your time until you're ready and I'll wait. But with each passing day, I grow scared. What if you find someone? Someone who you'll love more than me? What if-"

"Takano-san," I said directly looking at his face. "Don't you think that I feel the same way? I'm scared that you only convinced yourself that you love me. But what if all you wanted was to resolve what ended so suddenly ten years ago? What if you just want to repair such a terrible break up by dating now then break up properly later?"

"What?"

"There are so many things that I don't want to think about! But being with you like this forces me to! I'm so sick of it, I'm so sick of feeling this way. My brains feel like they're about to crumble with trying to find out what I'm supposed to do or-"

"Onodera!" he shouted.

I snapped out from such a rumble of thoughts that I was able to notice how badly I was shaking. I could already feel the blood rush in my head. I was just furious, furious at the situation, furious at myself. I shouldn't have to worry about this. I was suppose to only live for work.

"Onodera..."

"Takano-san, I want to go home. Please, let's just go home." I started to walk away but he grabbed me back like I expected.

"I understand," he said, "you're just as insecure as I am. No, perhaps, less that you have the strength to reject me. But I'm so insecure that I have to have you near me every second." He started to cup my face with both of his hands, "I get it. If you don't want to admit it I'll wait, no matter how long it takes you."

I averted my eyes but he turned them back to face him. "I love you," he said softly, "for now, I'll say it enough for the both of us. So don't push me away. Let me convince you that not only have I loved you all this time but has fallen in love with you the second time I met you."

I couldn't think of anything to say to deny it anymore. I just stood there and let him kiss me. He started with my forehead, my nose, my cheeks, it seemed as if he wanted to kiss every part of me. When he kissed my mouth, instead of feeling the usual nervousness, I felt calm. This kiss, it felt to me, was like a way to confirm that his words were true.

We drove back home silently. I was engrossed in the thought that this man possesses courage that I lack. I shouldn't think so much if his feelings were real or not. If it turns out that they weren't, I want to believe that he meant it when he said it. After all, there's no forever. Regardless, we still say that we'll love a person forever because at that very moment that we say it, we feel like we could really love one for eternity. I find myself such a cynic for believing this yet spouting how much I hate to be in love. But I'm already old and I know as much as this, a person would always think otherwise of what he claims to. You can believe in all the sides of a box. Some will deny it; some have the peace with themselves by just admitting it. Perhaps, I'm wrong and I just believe in everything I read in books, but right now I feel myself being that person. I say I hate having Takano-san in my life, but at the same time, I remember how much I love him that living without him becomes impossible. Truthfully, I don't know myself anymore. What I want, or what I ought to do with this relationship, perhaps, I should just let time decide.

I quickly rummage through my keys at the elevator in order to avoid being dragged into Takano-san's house. Or so, how I make it seem. I opened my door and to my surprise saw boots, leather shoes and a pair of heels. I'm thinking the boots were Ryouchi's.

"Ryouchi!" I called out, "did you bring your frien-" I was stopped at what I saw for they weren't the people I'd ever expect to see in my house.

"Ritsu, I can't believe you're living like this! This place is a mess!" exclaimed the woman with a solicitous tone.

"Okaasan..." was all I could utter.

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><p><strong>AN: Ahhhh I can't anymooowwwww *le cries*. What did Ryouchi do? Well, I hope you guys enjoyed it though it's very short xD I hope I can update faster this time. Work has been depressing me for days and the newest chapter of Sekai just, well, *shakes head*. I really couldn't bring myself to write anything about Takano that didn't involve anger and a lot of those. But I'm just going to make things go my way through here. ^^**


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